Guhaar - A story that no one listens

Hi there,

Before I go ahead with the story let me clarify that I am not claiming that the following account is my own but it's real and I have felt this very closely.

“….it’s another day. Not again please, I don't have the will to get out of this bed. But ma is calling out my name, it's already 5:30 If I don't get out now Papa will start shouting. He must be up by now and into his uniform. If I don't get to the breakfast table before six it will be a disaster both for me and my mother. “

It’s not that my dad is some kind of monster. He is like any other father in this world who loves his son way too much but lacks the expression and warmth to express it. And to top that he has been serving the Indian Army over a decade with utmost devotion and patriotism. He has always led a disciplined lifestyle and wants his son to do the same. He is too hard a nutshell to crack. Reaching the breakfast table by six on a working day has become a family tradition, and it is part of the perfect lifestyle that my father has designed for me. He wants me to be perfect. On the other hand, my mother is the incarnation of mother Ganga on this planet. Too good a person for this society. Her Mamta is unparalleled, you will never find a person so kind. She is ready to cry at almost anything, even a millimeter long scratch on my body can make tears roll down her cheeks. So I am too afraid to speak to my father and too scared to hurt my mother with my grief, the conclusion is that I am not very expressive with my parents and am not able to share my problems with them.

Every day is a similar story as if someone has executed an infinite while loop in the basic programming function of my life. Every day is a new struggle into this obnoxious society ready to tear you apart. It’s a sin if you are not competitive in this world and an even bigger sin if you are innocent. Innocence does not find a place in a society whose dynamics are purely based on greed. Maybe that’s the reason my dad is so strict. He fears the competition, he fears for his son's future and that's why wishes that I must become perfect. On the other hand, I don't believe in the idea of being a perfectionist but rather be a human, someone who allowed to commit mistakes. Anyways bitter truth be told papa’s ideology works mine doesn’t. That’s why every morning my feet shiver the moment I am ready to leave my bed, not because I hate school or studying but because I hate to face what waits for me inside those walls. A bunch of unleashed dogs ready with their canines to tear you apart.

Yeah, I called my classmates a bunch of unleashed dogs. But let’s start with me first, why did I become a target. First of all even after my dad had put all his might in regulating my diet and preparing a fitness routine for me my mother's resistance helped me build a protective layer of hard-earned fat, something similar to polar bears. "Mota Kahan hai bas thoda healthy hai, le Ek roti aur Kha le” a belief system which was only legal under her constitution but outside I became the clown of my class. Then to top that I was way too studious. My persistence to impress my father with my academics made me a bookworm and a teacher’s pet. I used to ask way too many questions even irrelevant ones just to show my attention in the class, then I used to help my teachers with their attendance, records, data entries, and what not just to get into their good books. All this had already made me the center of attention in the class but not in a positive sense. To top that I was way too innocent, not that I want to self-proclaim myself as Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Innocent but I was for Eg. I did not abuse, I thought it was a sin. When you study in a government school it is kind of compulsory to abuse, I would suggest that reform to HRD ministry as part of the entrance test to check whether the student has required skill sets to survive. And then I was quiet both at home and at school. I did not have people to speak with or maybe I never tried to do so. I always stayed in my personal space. That cut me from the mainstream into a whirlpool where I was sinking slowly and steadily. But I guess none of this was too sinful a crime to justify what happened with me. I never troubled anyone, never did I complain about anything thinking about the basic code of being classmates, as mentioned above I never abused anyone. But what I got in return was horrific. This was the worst chapter of my 20-year-old life. My worst nightmare.

It all started with a few small laughs and body shaming. " How do you carry so much weight?" , " Tere ko Dukan mein kapde nahi milte hoge?" " Kitne mahine Bache hai", " laat Marta hai kyaa? ". I never took them too seriously. Sometimes I felt bad, sometimes I used to just laugh it off. Slowly things started escalating, from small laughs, the shaming became a day-long activity as if I was some sort of clown. I came in the vision of one of the most popular boys and his gang of mongers ( by popular I mean popular among girls) you know he had all the masculine qualities a gentleman must have he used to tease people, beat them up, steal from the staff room, then get caught and whine, again do the same. All these project you as the Mr. Cool of your school and both girls and boys want to follow you. He kind of liked me, at first he used to make fun of me which was fine, slowly I became a toy for him and his friends. All of them ganged up after the period bell tolled just to enjoy the pleasure of my company. They found it funny how I walked, how I talked, how I look, why a girl would never enter even in a 10 feet radius of my proximity etcetera. I tried to escape lunchtime breaks by hiding in the washroom, running anywhere but he would find me anyhow. After some time I stopped trying, I accepted it as part of my daily routine. As I mentioned I was not able to talk to my parents, so I accepted it as a reality of my life. And this, this was my biggest mistake.

Giving up on myself and showing no resistance to anything that was happening to me gave those monsters more confidence in doing anything they wanted to do. It was as if my whole class was also enjoying my molestation and those who were not turned a blind eye, none of those students ever raised a voice, neither they ever came close to me to provide me with some comfort and motivation. And soon the situation became worse. I was told to do several things that nobody in his right mind would do. I was told to abuse students who I had no relations with, ask derogatory questions to teachers, say inappropriate things to girls, and whatnot. If I refused I was warned that there will be consequences, if I used to follow them then again there were consequences. It was as if I was on brink ready to break down any time soon. Most of the time I refused to do what they asked and hence was put through a whole session of public character assassination. Rumors were spread about me which were humiliating and disturbing. I was going through a phase of mental depression and I was not able to talk about this. I used to cry alone where no one would see me, I had no other choice. I was broken till inside but there was no one to hear the crackle.

साँस अधूरी, मस्तिष्क राख हृदय शिथिल पड़ा है

मौत के भी दर पर देखो, कोई यम खड़ा है 

अब जीवन से उम्मीद नहीं, न जीने का समर्पण

बचे कुछ आँसू शेष बस और अनंत एक सूनापन

Sometimes ma used to ask me sensing something was not right. I used to avoid telling anything to her. My dad never cared enough to ask. Every day I was going through hell. I tried telling my teachers but no serious action was taken on the other this used to make the boys furious and they used to hurt me even more. And then one day I decided that cannot bear it anymore and would take it up straight with the lads. A thought that changed my life forever.

The next day I went to them and told them to stop whatever they are doing otherwise I'll not be quiet anymore. They laughed it off and started abusing me and my family. My patience broke down, my mind could not take it anymore. I threw myself on one of the guys in an attempt to grab his throat all the others grabbed me, our teacher who somehow saw this intervened from outside the class and separated us. He gave us a warning and left. But the boys wanted to get back at me and they did. After classes were over I went over to the parking lot for my bicycle. Just then I was told that I had been called by our sports teacher in the football ground. Since I was very close to my PE teacher I went over. And I found the boys waiting for me. I thought of running but then I needed to end this matter today, daily torcher was way too much to handle. So I willingly stepped into lucifer's den hoping everything will be alright. But there were no dialogues. The leader held my uniform collar, showered a few fits of abuse, and then did what he had to do. I was thrown to the ground and then beaten. I was not able to see what was happening I just felt the blows on my stomach, on my ribs, on my legs and other parts. Sometimes I felt as if I was lifted and thrown again to the ground. I felt the bleeding but was not able to speak. Randomly I shouted out of pain but I guess that was not enough to attract attention. They stopped only when they realized that they had gone way too far. That now their offense was also visible physically on my body and not only on my mind. They went away and I was lying there almost lifeless not knowing what to do. I was dead if not physically at least from inside.

अब ख्वाहिश की उड़ान भरनी है, एक श्वेत परिंदा हो जाऊँ

जैसे आज गिरा हूँ थककर, वैसे न शर्मिंदा हो जाऊँ

आज मिट्टी ये मेरे खून से मिलकर पाक बन जाए 

आज मरने के सुख को जी जाऊँ, कल फिर से जिंदा हो जाऊँ 

I was later picked up by one of the cleaning staff and taken to the military SMC center. My father was informed. The kids were called for and the matter was taken into account by the administration. Although the remaining students and parents never came to know too much, as the details of the situation were not advertised or leaked. Parents of the boys later came to my father, they cried and apologized. My father thought of their careers and hence administration on request of my father and other parents did not expel the boys. I on the other hand had to go through a month of serious treatment. Several bones were damaged and concussions were developed. Even after the treatment was over I was not able to overcome the trauma and had to go through another six months of psychiatric treatment. But this changed me for good, I knew that I had to change the way I live. I dropped out of that school after another year or so. A new school and a new start. Here I made friends and slowly gave up my introvert way of living. I even started abusing, you know that’s a necessity. But still, even today when I am in a great institution among great people and with great friends I get terror sleeps of that incident. I have not been able to forget it and I don’t think I ever will.

But everyone does not get a second chance. There are millions out there in need of help but are not able to shout for it. This frustration leads to suicides.

According to NCES, every one out of five students report being bullied.

For students of 12-18 years of age, bullying prevalence is about 35%and cyberbullying is about 15%.

Every year hundreds of students commit suicides due to mental torcher they face in schools.

A student of JNV near Dhanbad was reportedly locked in his seniors' room for a month and was beaten daily until the administration took notice of his low attendance in the past month. The boy was found and rushed to the hospital where injuries on private parts were also discovered.

Several incidents were reported in the NCR region itself where students were bullied in the toilets of schools and beaten when they raised their voices.

In the end, I would just say this bullying is not fun! It is a criminal offense. And many need help but are not able to say it out loud. Raise your hand towards them maybe you can save a life or two.

हम एक उम्र इसी ग़म में मुब्तिला रहे थे

वो सानहे ही नहीं थे जो पेश आ रहे थे

इसीलिए तो मेरा गाँव दौड़ में हारा

जो भाग सकते थे बैसाखियां बना रहे थे