Nirvana

It’s night. I walk along the rain-soaked roads, the moon casting a soft, distant smile upon me.

The day has come to a close—another long, tiring, yet monotonous routine. My hands tremble as they grip the umbrella, and I plaster a smile while exchanging brief glances with the few who bother locking eyes with mine.

Once inside my room, I let out a heavy sigh, slumping onto the bed. Staring up at the ceiling, the weight of exams loom large, but all I’ve done is struggle to adapt to this newfound normalcy of my life. Maybe this transition from being a straight-A student, to someone who can barely handle the simplest tasks is the Almighty’s way of telling me to come to terms with the fact that I’ve ruined my life beyond repair. There’s no going back.

I wonder what I, from five years ago, would think of the person I’ve become. Brain working at light speeds, yet being unable to form a single line that could make the feeling of touching pen to paper worthwhile, diaries being bloated with tears; tears of annoyance, anger, and simply, the feeling of not being as good as I used to be.

"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains.”

From dreaming about the razzle-dazzles of life, to just wanting to be happy one day, it’s been a long road. A road full of thorns, and a road which has given me all but what I wanted from it. From being the soul of the party, to not even being a part of it, it seems like the ‘Five-Year Plan’ was meant to be a disaster from the start.

I had hoped I was destined to reach the heights I had always dreamt of, but I'm not so sure anymore. In some universe, I'm probably 'the' guy with good height genetics who’s acing his mid-sem exams right now, but does this line of thought make me any less miserable? Not particularly, but sometimes misery just likes to be acknowledged. The roads remain rain-soaked, the moonlight doesn't flicker. It's still night. All that's changed is that I've lent my misery a shoulder, let it out onto paper—onto screen— given it space to breathe. And every so often, just breathing is enough.